Taraji P. Henson has revealed that she contemplated taking her own life during the coronavirus pandemic.
“During this pandemic, it’s been hard on all of us. And I had a moment, I had a dark moment. I was in a dark place,” the 50-year-old actress said during her Facebook Watch series, “Peace of Mind with Taraji,” on Wednesday.
“For a couple of days, I couldn’t get out of the bed, I didn’t care. That’s not me. Then, I started having thoughts about ending it.”
The “Empire” star said these thoughts occurred “two nights in a row. She also said that she owns a gun, which is kept it in a safe.
“If I could go in there right now, and just end it all ’cause I want it to be over, ” Henson recalled of her thoughts.
“Thought about my son [Marcell Johnson], I said, ‘He’s grown, he’ll get over it,’” she continued.
Henson said she felt herself withdrawing from loved ones.
“People were calling me, I wasn’t responding. I didn’t care,” Henson said.
Henson said she finally told a friend about her headspace, adding she felt partly “ashamed.”
“I was like, ‘I don’t want them to think I’m crazy.’ I don’t want them to, you know, obsess over me or think they gotta come and sit on me,” Henson said. “So one day I just blurted it out to my girlfriend. She called me in the morning and I was like, ‘You know I thought about killing myself last night.’”
Henson, who conversed Wednesday with licensed psychologist Dr. LaShonda Green, said she felt if she kept her thoughts inward it would become a “plan.”
“At first it was like, ‘I don’t want to be here,’ then I started thinking about going to get the gun. That’s why when I woke up the next morning, I blurted it out because I felt like after a while it was going to take over me and it was going to become a plan,” she added.
“I felt myself slipping and so I was like, ‘You know what I am not going to do is let 50 happen to me,” Henson said at the time. “I am going to get control of this mentally and not be like, ‘You are getting old, don’t nobody care, you ain’t working,’ Well, duh, no one is working, it is COVID. So I felt that coming.”
Last December, Henson also detailed her struggle with depression and anxiety.
“I noticed the mood swings, like, you know, one day I would be up and the next day I would be down, feeling like I don’t want to go out in public, almost agoraphobic,” she told Self magazine at the time.
“There would be days when my brain wouldn’t stop racing with the worst scenarios in the world, which would heighten my anxiety,” she said. “There was no shame when I started to recognize it. It was like, ‘I have to get some help,’ because I’m the life of the party and when I go dark, I go dark. I don’t want to leave the house.”
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